What is the "I"?

An audio Podcast with a sincere fellow named Clayton...

Click to play or right click and save to download: What is the "I"? 

As a followup listen to "I Am-Aham"

Abide in I Am

A short audio MP3 contemplation:
Right Click & Save or Click to Listen to "I Am-Aham"

No one has ever had "cancer"

Q: I just listened to the podcast with John Wheeler where you explained that you have cancer.  I have a good friend with cancer and he isn't handling it very well.  I also have an aunt who is emotionally suffering.  It was so good to hear you share the freedom you now have as a result of recognizing what you are.  It really is beautiful that you would open up and talk about this practical benefit, of hearing you have cancer yet not suffering.  How wonderful!!  It's good for listeners to hear that what we are talking about is not some philosophy.  That it really can allow a timeless sense of well-being even in the face of what would otherwise be seen as a menacing appearance (cancer) 

C:  Thanks for writing. A few thoughts arise …

1. All that can be said about "cancer" in the light of Absolute Being has been well said by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, most potently in "Prior To Consciousness" (ISBN 0893860247). In the experiencing of this "here" there is no concern whatsoever, rather, it's all welcomed ... so to say ... once the false identity has been annihilated, then no one is "concerned" with one utterly insignificant bodymind energy-pattern dissolving ... I am not, therefore where would "I" go?

2. We do not know whether this body has cancer or not. A careful listening of that podcast will reveal that what is shared is that it COULD be cancer. Either way there is no "individual" here to give a fuck either way! There will be more tests in March. Then there may be a verdict. No one cares. "charliehayes" is no more. Bodies disintegrate, the Absolute is untouched. And no one knows that!

3. Regarding any suffering around "cancer", that suffering is purely a matter of the conviction "I am the body". One whose "I Am" is polluted with the body-concept as their identity will be very afraid when a diagnosis like cancer comes; fear of death, and even more, fear of pain. In "my" case, my reaction was laughter! That disease, if it proves to be extant, is as good a way as any for this body to disintegrate! My doc and I laugh about is (he has read my books, and knows what is real) ... I tell him, okay let's manage any pain! Might as well! But really, the pointless point is, THERE IS NO ONE, there never was "a person" to know or not know, have pain or not, suffer or  not suffer, live or die. No one has cancer. The story is a pack of lies.

Listen to Sri Nisargadatta: "If one has an illness or a pain, is there a form to that? It is only a movement on consciousness. The knower of consciousness [the Absolute, Parabrahman] cannot feel the pain, and it is only because consciousness has identified itself with the body that the body feels pain. When consciousness is not there, even if the body is cut, there is no pain. [As when this body had bypass surgery, no consciousness, chest Skil-Sawed open, legs cut open to harvest veins etc; NO consciousness, NO pain.]

“It is not the body which feels pain. ... " !

I would also say if there is a trace of "individual" identity left in you, there will be a concern for "another". Your friend does not exist apart from your own imagination! Erase that imagery and then there will be no worries about the nonexistent "other". In my view that is the best one can do; do not see "another" who is "suffering". Cleanse thine own eye!

All this is spontaneously happening; no entity exists anywhere to alter or modify the functioning of The Absolute expressing as all this! At the risk that it is "preaching to the choir"....HA!

All is One. When both love and hate are absent, THIS is clear and no longer masked by identity. There is only ... everything, nothing; Not Two!

Thanks again for a good question; happy to clarify things.

Observer & Observed are Not Two

Q: Is there a relationship (duality) between the observer and the object?  You seem to say “YOU are The Subject, You are THAT and nothing else…”

C: There may be a misunderstanding about what “you are That” means. THAT is a code name for NO thing AND Every Thing. And as always the pointing comes that these apparent two are One Reality. Nothing-Being-Everything. But these words are NOT “truths”. They ONLY point to what cannot be grasped by the mechanisms of the brain!

C: What is a drop of salt water in the vast ocean of salt water? Ocean is Subject (or observer) in the metaphor; drop is object. Are the drop and the ocean ever separate? No. Despite appearances, a drop flying off the rocks above a crashing wave is still salt water. It APPEARS separated but IN ESSENCE it is NOT separate. In the same way Observer and Observed are NOT separate yet APPEAR separate. That’s the dream! And the dream of being separate is delusion. Now, see that our prime delusion is that we are not deluded; we really think and believe that we know we are separated form the ocean of peace and serenity … Noumenon. Our dream is that we are awake and not sleeping. Sleepwalking, sleeptalking etc. But a delusion is just that! Until it gets pointed out that the dreamer is dreaming he or she will go on believing the lie that he or she IS separated form the Eternal Is-Peace that is the Real Eternal Out-of-time-and-space Ultimate Subject-Reality…

Bottom line: Observer and Observed are Not Two. The Observer IS the Observed and vice versa. This cannot be comprehended by mind, or sorted out in thoughts.

Confusion on this point is a function of "wanting to comprehend, and be able to explain”, what are only pointers. The mind seeks answers instead of questioning whether or not it is actually real. Mind is language and time (temporality). Every appearance is always changing and is absolute temporary. Who is REAL? That which never changes ever!

The problem as always is trying to use that mind, that brain, to comprehend what is absolutely incomprehensible! The brain-mind is of NO use for Self-Realization! It is quite simply not the right tool for the job. You must step OUT of the knowing of the mind into the often terrifying space of uncontrollable emptiness, the out-of-control Source of the knowing and not knowing, which has NO attributes, NO properties, is the Only Subject devoid of the idea of subject/object delusion. You must abide out of your mind to see rightly!

Think of it as a game of hide and seek: Oneness has hidden itSelf to have the fun of finding itSelf. But it has done too good a job! Because it hides everywhere as everything! Your own Perfect Oneness is staring you in the face, literally! Everything is the One and that even includes the delusion of “not me, I am not complete, I am not The One Taste, the One Ocean of Bliss; that me IS separate” … even THAT is the One hiding in plain sight.

Just notice that there is an awake aware presence whenever it is and wherever you go and that presence of awareness, or awareness of being \awareness, is always fully ON, lighting the brain, letting music be read and played, allowing waking-dreaming-sleeping to happen all by themselves… all is One. That means ALL IS ONE. Nothing more and nothing less than That!

The initial identity (FALSE identity) is the conceptual “I Am”. Before that appears, YOU ARE. That which You ARE is NON-conceptual, Spacelike, attributeless. IT that You ARE does not “know” “I exist”. This is where the mind cannot go! You will never “know oneness”. You AE Oneness. If that is not clear then just realize that “you” like an identity are trying to figure it out, get it all pat like an answer you can then know and pass an exam on or write a PhD thesis on! The zeal to get an answer defeats this message. Stop and LOOK; what is fully present right now before the next thought arises? That is, as Dzogchen puts it, “Non-conceptual, self-shining, ever-fresh, presence-awareness; just That and nothing else”.

This simple irrefutable presence of awareness is overlooked when you seek to find answers. The questions will be endless unless you look at what or who is asking, wondering, being confused, trying to grasp this. Can you grasp space? Can Space know itself as space? Look. Stop, Just BE.

I Am ... or am I?

It seems certain that we ARE ... everyone seems to know that I AM, the apparently natural "sense of being" that awakes from deep sleep (wherein there is NO "I, NO "I am"; nothing at all, no sense of being or not being). Sleep is being no one and not knowing that one is being no one.

So what actually is real or permanent about the "sense of being", the acceptance of that "I Am' as my true nature? Questioning this, what is discovered (UN covered) is that even the sense of being is false, that is to say it is NOT eternal, not ultimately real, but rather a mere temporary appearance that comes and goes.

From where does this "I Am" arise and subside? What is the Source of this "I Am" sense of beingness that is (usually quite gratefully)  gone, forgotten, dis-appeared, in deep sleep or "physical death"? This body dies every night and is born every morning. Death is a happening in some eternal essence, as is "birth." 

Waking follows sleep follows waking ad infinitum! So what is REAL? What is Eternal? Do you know that? Or is all the knowing ultimately UNREAL? What is Real? What is the Source of Being, how is this "I Am" born? Where did "I Am" come from? Where does it go in sleep or body death?

Look for the Source of Being. What is seen? By whom? Where is freedom, power, love? What are these? Are they actually Real and Permanent? NO.

What IS reality and what IS unreality? Have a good look and see what is seen, hear what is heard, know what cannot be known. This is freedom. This is inconceivable. Cannot be known, cannot be perceived. Like deep sleep.

Look for that Source of that universal I, the essence that arises as "I Am", the unborn timeless eternal state. Look. Seek until there is no doubt about what is finally and always beginningless endless and Real... look out! Finding That, no one dies. Just Now.

absolute self-knowing arises as "I am"

Self-Knowledge is not complex, not difficult, not actually obscured. Ever! In this sense of your very being-knowing, being “here”, present and awake, there is an empty space of pure knowing. That non-conceptual empty knowingness arises from the one essence, which we have two words for: The Absolute. As The Absolute what we are is pure Self-knowledge, perfect, empty and complete. Said to be… just THAT. I Am That. You Are That. There is Only That.

That is. IT IS yet IS NOT. Impossible for "mind" to grasp ...nevertheless, true. THAT is The One tasteless formless timelessness, which appears as waking-dreaming-sleeping-transcending. This is called "The Eternal State". But the foundation of this NON-conceptual Self-knowledge is this: The word is not the reality. The word ocean: Is it the vast formation of salt and water? All the ocean is, is water and salt. All that is conscious and aware is The Absolute arising as happiness/sadness, joy/sorrow, anger/friendliness, compassion/cruelty, bliss/misery. Love/hate! Samsara/dukha. All are One Ocean of Bliss; NOT TWO. Listen as Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj* speaks from The Absolute TO The Absolute:

“There is only one state, not two. When the ‘I Am-ness’ is there, in that consciousness you will have many experiences, but the “I Am’ and The Absolute are not two. In The Absolute the ‘I Amness’ comes and then the experience takes place.

“In The Absolute there is no individuality, no memory that I am this or that, but there is continual stirring.”

The pointer is clear but the mind cannot “own” this. Any attempt to grasp and attain this Understanding will fail, because That is prior to mind, prior to language, prior even to the being-knowing we call “I Am”. What Ludvig Wittgenstein dubbed “a priori awareness”; that which is forever unaltered, unchangeable, and pristine, in and of and as Itself. It is That about which Wittgenstein spoke when he pointed out, “whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must remain silent”. Yet the Silence and the Sound, the Stillness and the Moving, are in truth NOT TWO. Ungettable! Yet REAL! Livingness of The Absolute; a silently sounding sense of… WOW. John Greven calls It," vibrant stillness and screaming silence." Lao Tzu calls it, simply, "Great".

Listen to Maharaj again: “Whatever is happening, from The Absolute standpoint, without the knowledge ‘I Am’, is very profound, unlimited, expansive. In the realm of beingness the fragmentation begins; it is limited, conditioned because in this beingness we try to claim all actions as ours.” And listen to the potency of this pointer from Maharaj: “In The Absolute I have no occasion to say I exist, because It is in eternity. I do not have to make any statements about my existence. Because of the existence of The Absolute Parabrahman** state a lot of incarnations have come and gone but The Absolute remains untainted by the movement of all these incarnations.”

This cannot be seen or known by the brain-mind machine. Because the machinery is but a temporary appearance in (and OF) the Permanent State which is the sole Reality of the unchanging essence. There can be tremendous hatred for the actions of fools, yet The Absolute is a Love that knows no relativity of "kove/hate".

There is ONLY THAT. Only That is real and since you are, saying “I Am” or not saying “I Am”, YOU are THAT ... and nothing else. Nonconceptual Absolute "a priori" Awareness.

Period. Stop. End of story. So BE That. Since you already ARE That, it is Absolutely Simple.

Self-knowledge, loving to BE all tat is and is not, is all there is.

Wordlessly, I Love You.

*”Prior To Consciousness”, edited by Jean Dunn

** Parabrahman: The Supreme, The Absolute

earnestness ... being serious to end suffering

Unfortunately, too many "seekers" give lip service to being earnest and seriously committed to end their suffering. But if all that is happening is believing and conceiving the pointers to what is real and the actual reality of what is being pointed to is not understood deeply, the suffering will go on until the body drops. The pointing out that what is always present is the ordinary simplicity of nondual awareness gets mishmoshed into a bunch of conceptual beliefs while the actuality of That which IS, is overlooked. There might be a story about being earnest by their actions are not consistent with what they speak. This is a trap for many, many suffering spiritual seekers and there is no way out of the trap so long as the pointers are taken on as mere concepts. It takes a real and sincere willingness to let every concept of identity, the so-called "me", to be dismantled. Without that, there is no possibility for true Self knowledge to arise.

If you find that after many months or years of looking into this, listening to talks, reading books etc you are still complaining about "not finding it" and expressing frustration and even anger, then have a good look at how serious you really are to end the seeking and suffering once and for all.  For an example, if it is suspected by one who is pointing out what is real and what is unreal that you may have an imbalance of brain chemistry which prevents clear looking, and you refuse to get that checked out by a medical doctor, then you must see that you are not really sincere and serious to get at what may be obstructing things for you.

If that has been checked out and you’ve got a clean bill of health but suffering persists, it would be wise to examine your motives for seeking and see if you are trying to attain some state of awakening or liberation for the “me” identity rather than allowing the investigation to go deep enough to deconstruct that false sense of being a separate entity, apart from the nondual awareness which is the final and beginningless reality. Have a good look; bring the light of committed self-honesty to bear on the fundamental issues of false identification, and let the pointers really sink in rather than just believing, repeating them, and thinking that’s all there is to this. In the final analysis, it is really up to you to get down and get real if you are interested in true freedom.

pointing to THAT ... John Wheeler

All the ways out and solutions are at the mental level. Before the mind even conceives of the next thought, you are already present. Your being is there. What we are doing is having a solid, straight look at the nature and characteristics of that clear and present existence that you are. That is all. Yet this is what overcomes the erroneous concepts and allows us to recognize and be what we are. By nature, this is unconditioned, undivided and free of all suffering and problems. Looking in this way, the questions raised by the mind drop away of themselves. Not because the specific questions get answered, but because the questioner (meaning the assumed limited identity) is undermined. What is the mind, after all? Is it not an appearance in and of awareness itself? Has it ever had any separate existence as a "thing apart"? If not, is it really anything other than THAT, in essence? Do not fall into the trap of dualizing the mind as something "other". You are that pure awareness (only a pointer!), but so is the mind. Consider waves on the surface of the sea. The waves ARE the sea in essence, but not as they appear. So it is all THAT. Remember, the key point is "one without a second", or non-duality. So who could be the one seeking or attaining reality? He or she is a complete myth! All there is, is THAT. ~ John Wheeler

that..... poetically says no one

No one here. No one there. Only No One Everywhere!

That is this. This is That. 

When this is this that's That. When this is not this that's That.

Absolutely Always That. AllOne, A-Lone (yet never-ever-lonely).

Ever Present even in Absence. That. Only That IS. No One Everywhere

Celebrate! Falling In Love with What-IS.......... a silent unwordy unworldy YES

The Home We Never Leave

Q: Hi… I emailed you a while ago about 'Non-Duality' And similar things. I have just watched your most recent YouTube video. And there has been a realisation of some sorts.

C: Glad to hear the video was impactful for the One Heart!

Q: It is as if I am the body, I am the environment, I am the tree, I am the cup. And that which was previously thought as being 'Me' was, in fact, just the mirror/space/void. Some people may say 'How can i be the cup the cup doesn't feel'.  The problem lies with the association between 'feeling' and 'self'.. Of course the cup can't feel. Put a finger next to a cup. They are both me, one just happens to be able to feel.

C: Yes.

Q: But you know a cup can shatter into a thousand pieces, but isn't it funny how It is never said; 'Why can’t the finger shatter like my cup'? 

C: Who cares? And what finger, what cup? All such things are conceptual only and unlasting while what is Real is forever … Absolute … beginningless and endless peace.

Q: So: I am the tree, and I am the table and the table can burn. But I don't feel myself burning when the table burns, so 'How can the table be me'...Answer - Well the table is not mechanically designed to feel in such a sense. So the body feels, but feeling is not a definite aspect of being.  It is just one quality of being that is revolved around the structure of animals.

C: All there IS, is Being. Now according to how you articulate, it appears that that’s clear there (which is of course HERE). Now don’t turn that natural seeing into a “truth”. The concept is NOT the Reality pointed at by the concept. And, I sense you know this and this expression is coming out as everything does. .. all on it’s own with no source.

Q: What has brought up a lot of interest is that which was mentioned earlier, the 'mirror/void/space'  that which lies behind the matter and is a reference and witness to that which I am.  This void and space seems to in a lot of ways relate to the character often seen as 'The Devil'. Not as such because it is evil or because it is a being whatsoever-think more in terms of symbology.  It is just that which endlessly desires to 'be' because it is the one thing which is not.  It is a trick. Or a trickster. Because the void is NOT but it DOES EXIST.

C: Your last point is spot on: Being both IS and IS NOT. And all that symbolic stuff, including concepts like God or Satan, trick or trickster, are all only Being appearing as not being or conceptual structure made of thin air. There is no substance to any concept nor any symbol or any experience. All “things” pass! Only Being remains forever as the Absolute freedom, Absolute power, Absolute love, inconceivable and unperceivable yet fully ON and always simply Being Its Self: One-Without-Second. The re-discovery (or uncovering) through seeing rightly, through earnest investigation or devotion (Jnana or Bhakta) is simply… ahhhh: I am NOT and I AM. NOT Two.

Q: And so if it were to be given life or attention it would surely have its first wish to be seen as something or 'Me'. And once given life it would be the only thing that would ever 'wish' because it is the only thing that does not have itself or anything whatsoever, because in very nature it is nothing. It had this image in its hands, it is the space in-which the image floats and it is purely a tool for the purpose of reflection but if one tiny speck of the self were to associate with it, everything falls-And, become 'we' is what happens and then once there is we, we are then 'nobody' looking into each others eyes falling madly in love with another nobody behind the eyes and bartering and bargaining over that which is ACTUALLY the Self. That which is actually you, that which is actually me.

C: There is no ‘you’ and no ‘me’ and yet, The self IS.

Q: One small association with the mirror and we turn our true self into a commodity which belongs to nothing. In essence to sell ones (true) soul,  is to conceive the soul in the first place. But this is also the fun of the fairground.

C: Sure. It is ALL the timeless play of The One Absolute appearing as the funhouse, the house of horrors, the dream of heaven and hell!

Q: This interesting because old language is very hard to comprehend or decipher and it is so poetic in its nature, that the true meanings behind these things have been long forgotten.  But there is a silence now, somebody has ceased to speak, there are voices and thoughts, but a definite 'somebody' has ceased to speak.

C: Excellent. Thanks for sharing your articulate and natural expression from your own direct seeing-experiencing. Well done my friend. Much Love!

everyday ordinary awareness

What is always fully present? You as ordinary everyday awareness. Clear and empty, yet filled with the natural light of The Absolute. Even before awareness can "be aware" there is the eternal light of unknowable knowing. So to speak! 

So what are you seeking? What are you looking for? To understand your real essence, just pause. Be. Awareness and just That. That, awareness, is the only I there is. That I awareness is conscious of being and not being, waking and sleep. Seeing this natural ordinary awareness as who you are is the natural end of our unnatural search for what already IS. Let it be. Enjoy the play of light and shadow, riding the rollercoaster of this dreamlife. Have fun; for who we are, life is bliss, even when it apparently sucks. 

This awareness is Home; the Home we never leave. Rock ON!

pointers

It has been pointed out, Consciousness, the knowing "I Am", is in the body. Also it has been pointed out, the body is in Consciousness, the knowing "I Am". Which is true? Neither, or both? One, or the other? The question is a manifestation of Consciousness and any answer is also a manifestation of Consciousness. What is That which is the knower of "I Am"? What is the Eternal Unchanging Unmoving Source of the Consciousness of Being? Find out!